***Update***

Even though nobody reads this blog, I just thought i'd update it. Jason and I broke up back in May. I haven't seen him in awhile, since May actually. Tonight I'm going to see him, although I feel quite dumb about it. Not sure if we'll get back together, but eh....

Change?

Defining change in my opinion: Change is the process of making yourself a better person for the future.

Dictionary definition of change: to become different

I think everyone has to change; you can't stay the same for the rest of your life. Ex. You can't stay a kid forever; you have to grow into an adult. Jason thinks people shouldn't change. wth? I need to change myself. He doesn't want to change, but he will one of these days. It's part of life. The average person doesn't realize when they're changing; they just do as time goes by. If you’re slowly changing at a shorter pace than others then, you just have to force yourself to change.

Things I NEED to Change

• My negative emotions
• Learning how to deal with social situations
• Lose weight
• Develop more interests
• Be happy
• Meet new people
• Control my bitching

Things Jason NEED to change:

• Learning to understand how people feel
• Express his emotions more
• Control his whining
• Maturity level: Everyone will always have a kid inside of them, but there are certain time where you must not whine.

Jason thinks like this in my opinion.............

1. I'm not changing because i don't want to, I'm done
   
2. You don't love me for who i am, I'm done
3. We don't have any interests, I'm done
4. You like celebrity gossip and i love sports, it doesn't mix. I'm done
5. I can't have my fan on while I'm sleeping, hell no. I'm done
6. You're too depressed, I'm done
   
7. Your not humorous, I'm done
8. I KNOW this just won't work, I'm done
   

grrrr, things like that piss me off! I don't know what to do with him anymore. Nothing is right, nothing is perfect, but i'm not giving up hope. We've only been together for ONE month and a couple of weeks. There are many great possibilities for this relationship. I know Jason's autism affect our relationship a lot, people with autism don't seem to have much patience. Jason NEEDS patience for our relationship (add that to the list of change)

My bf thinks i'm using him now

When i came over to my bf's tonight, he said he read my blog and believe that i am using him for companionship. I'm not using him! I need him. I'm bored at the moment as he's playing his final fantasy game. I don't mind, i'm sure he's been thinking about this game all day and couldn't wait to play it. I use to be the same way with The Sims, so i understand. But god, I want to just go over there and jump on him, make out with him. It's driving me crazy, my hormones are going crazy! I can't do it though, i'm afraid :( Why? idk. Social anxiety? maybe. I love his legs they're so sexy, my heart is pounding! I wonder what he's thinking besides the game. Could he be thinking the same thing? hmmm idk. Control yourself Sabrina...........

Breaking up with Jason

The other day I was seriously going to break up with jason because he is a racist. Am i stupid for dating a racist? Does that make me seem so desperate because I won't/can't leave him?

I do feel stupid for dating one, and i don't know why i'm putting up with it. Yesterday he didn't mention anything harsh about my race, and he did apologize. Also he said he will try not to say anything negative about my race anymore. Just like the old saying goes, "Once a racist always a racist". I'll be honest, i'm not sure if i'll be with Jason for long due the the fact that i just feel stupid.

I am desperate for a boyfriend. If i leave Jason, i won't have anyone. I won't have anyone to talk to, anyone to hang out with, anyone to love me, anyone that understands me. He's my first friend that i've had since my best friend in 2008. I desperately NEED a friend. I just don't want to be "friends" with Jason, i want to be more than that.

I was actually terrified to have a boyfriend in real life at least, and to have sex. It's not so bad after all. I'm still learning how to be a quality girlfriend, but i don't think i'm doing a good job.

Telling it like it is(last blog continued)

Another day of arguments about race. It's making me realize who i am dating. Yes, race is important but I am making it a big issue when it is really not. People are different. That is how I should look at it. I hurt Sabrina because I told my perspective on race like it was. I can make people mad when I do that sometimes. I have had a situation in the past with my friend Corey because I did use the N word towards him and it made me feel bad. I don't know when to quit saying stuff like it is when its not good timing. I take things too far and I have know when to end them. There is a time and a place to say things that I shouldn't say about people. I do judge people but I do accept people. I can hang with all types of people. I may not be open at first like i havent been in the past to hang with different people but in time, I do accept people. I accept people for who they are in time, like with Affan and Corey, both different races. Over time I did accept who they are. I hope after this day its gets better and we build on it.

One day at a time and Interracial ralationships

Well Sabrina and I has hit the ground running with our relationship so far. Lately we have slowed down because we ran into some problems in our relationship, mainly on race because we are different in race and it has been my fault.
For most people I think, interracial relationships are hard to maintain, mostly white vs. black people. According to the AP(msnbc.com), Factoring in all racial combinations, Stanford University sociologist Michael Rosenfeld calculates that more than 7 percent of America’s 59 million married couples in 2005 were interracial, compared to less than 2 percent in 1970. The numbers of interracial dating or couples are growing by the year which is good because without interracial relationships, the world would be boring.
Meeting her family within the next couple weeks would be interesting because they are expecting big muscular smart guy even though she told her mom dont expect that. I hope it will turn out good.

Condom or not?

I don't like condoms :| They feel so fake, like your having sex with plastic, technically you are. I know condoms are #1 for protection, but grrr is there something else out there that doesn't feel like fucking plastic.

I feel so irresponsible when we don't have protected sex, right after intercourse the first thing i think about is being/getting pregnant when i could have prevented it by fucking plastic :| This is about the time when i hate being a woman....WHY LORD! WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TO GET PREGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!

I do want kids one day, just not now. I would love kids with Jason too one day.