***Update***

Even though nobody reads this blog, I just thought i'd update it. Jason and I broke up back in May. I haven't seen him in awhile, since May actually. Tonight I'm going to see him, although I feel quite dumb about it. Not sure if we'll get back together, but eh....

Change?

Defining change in my opinion: Change is the process of making yourself a better person for the future.

Dictionary definition of change: to become different

I think everyone has to change; you can't stay the same for the rest of your life. Ex. You can't stay a kid forever; you have to grow into an adult. Jason thinks people shouldn't change. wth? I need to change myself. He doesn't want to change, but he will one of these days. It's part of life. The average person doesn't realize when they're changing; they just do as time goes by. If you’re slowly changing at a shorter pace than others then, you just have to force yourself to change.

Things I NEED to Change

• My negative emotions
• Learning how to deal with social situations
• Lose weight
• Develop more interests
• Be happy
• Meet new people
• Control my bitching

Things Jason NEED to change:

• Learning to understand how people feel
• Express his emotions more
• Control his whining
• Maturity level: Everyone will always have a kid inside of them, but there are certain time where you must not whine.

Jason thinks like this in my opinion.............

1. I'm not changing because i don't want to, I'm done
   
2. You don't love me for who i am, I'm done
3. We don't have any interests, I'm done
4. You like celebrity gossip and i love sports, it doesn't mix. I'm done
5. I can't have my fan on while I'm sleeping, hell no. I'm done
6. You're too depressed, I'm done
   
7. Your not humorous, I'm done
8. I KNOW this just won't work, I'm done
   

grrrr, things like that piss me off! I don't know what to do with him anymore. Nothing is right, nothing is perfect, but i'm not giving up hope. We've only been together for ONE month and a couple of weeks. There are many great possibilities for this relationship. I know Jason's autism affect our relationship a lot, people with autism don't seem to have much patience. Jason NEEDS patience for our relationship (add that to the list of change)

My bf thinks i'm using him now

When i came over to my bf's tonight, he said he read my blog and believe that i am using him for companionship. I'm not using him! I need him. I'm bored at the moment as he's playing his final fantasy game. I don't mind, i'm sure he's been thinking about this game all day and couldn't wait to play it. I use to be the same way with The Sims, so i understand. But god, I want to just go over there and jump on him, make out with him. It's driving me crazy, my hormones are going crazy! I can't do it though, i'm afraid :( Why? idk. Social anxiety? maybe. I love his legs they're so sexy, my heart is pounding! I wonder what he's thinking besides the game. Could he be thinking the same thing? hmmm idk. Control yourself Sabrina...........

Breaking up with Jason

The other day I was seriously going to break up with jason because he is a racist. Am i stupid for dating a racist? Does that make me seem so desperate because I won't/can't leave him?

I do feel stupid for dating one, and i don't know why i'm putting up with it. Yesterday he didn't mention anything harsh about my race, and he did apologize. Also he said he will try not to say anything negative about my race anymore. Just like the old saying goes, "Once a racist always a racist". I'll be honest, i'm not sure if i'll be with Jason for long due the the fact that i just feel stupid.

I am desperate for a boyfriend. If i leave Jason, i won't have anyone. I won't have anyone to talk to, anyone to hang out with, anyone to love me, anyone that understands me. He's my first friend that i've had since my best friend in 2008. I desperately NEED a friend. I just don't want to be "friends" with Jason, i want to be more than that.

I was actually terrified to have a boyfriend in real life at least, and to have sex. It's not so bad after all. I'm still learning how to be a quality girlfriend, but i don't think i'm doing a good job.

Telling it like it is(last blog continued)

Another day of arguments about race. It's making me realize who i am dating. Yes, race is important but I am making it a big issue when it is really not. People are different. That is how I should look at it. I hurt Sabrina because I told my perspective on race like it was. I can make people mad when I do that sometimes. I have had a situation in the past with my friend Corey because I did use the N word towards him and it made me feel bad. I don't know when to quit saying stuff like it is when its not good timing. I take things too far and I have know when to end them. There is a time and a place to say things that I shouldn't say about people. I do judge people but I do accept people. I can hang with all types of people. I may not be open at first like i havent been in the past to hang with different people but in time, I do accept people. I accept people for who they are in time, like with Affan and Corey, both different races. Over time I did accept who they are. I hope after this day its gets better and we build on it.

One day at a time and Interracial ralationships

Well Sabrina and I has hit the ground running with our relationship so far. Lately we have slowed down because we ran into some problems in our relationship, mainly on race because we are different in race and it has been my fault.
For most people I think, interracial relationships are hard to maintain, mostly white vs. black people. According to the AP(msnbc.com), Factoring in all racial combinations, Stanford University sociologist Michael Rosenfeld calculates that more than 7 percent of America’s 59 million married couples in 2005 were interracial, compared to less than 2 percent in 1970. The numbers of interracial dating or couples are growing by the year which is good because without interracial relationships, the world would be boring.
Meeting her family within the next couple weeks would be interesting because they are expecting big muscular smart guy even though she told her mom dont expect that. I hope it will turn out good.

Condom or not?

I don't like condoms :| They feel so fake, like your having sex with plastic, technically you are. I know condoms are #1 for protection, but grrr is there something else out there that doesn't feel like fucking plastic.

I feel so irresponsible when we don't have protected sex, right after intercourse the first thing i think about is being/getting pregnant when i could have prevented it by fucking plastic :| This is about the time when i hate being a woman....WHY LORD! WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TO GET PREGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!

I do want kids one day, just not now. I would love kids with Jason too one day.

Can i see myself with Jason 5 years from now?

I've been wondering about that question recently. The answer is, yes. I do see myself with him 5 years or more from now. I love him very much. I can't stop thinking about him, or touching him. I know as time goes by like most relationships, the affection will decrease, but hopefully not for Jason and i. Jason is just not like the average guy, which is a tool. Love feels so good :)

eh my family :|

I know i'm 20 and have never had a boyfriend before Jason, but omfg my family acts soooo stupid about it. They say things such as:

"I heard you have a boyfriend"
"So, going over to your boyfriend's tonight"
"where were you, over at your man house"
"what did you and your boyfriend do tonight"
"where do you sleep when you stay the night"
"are you two sexually active yet"


I'm fucking 20, not 13. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Yes, there are times i may act as though i'm 13, but eh i'm 20 in reality.

To my family: LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!!

Feelings/Emotions

I tend to talk about Jason with someone everyday. Today someone had brought to my attention that he doesn't seem to show much emotions. I took that into thought, and Jason doesn't show much emotion with things. When i tell him my daily situations/problems, or just random stuff he says things like, "cool", "okay", "nice", "yeah". I NEED more than that, that would definitely make me much happier in our relationship with him. I just want more of his input on things, and even advice. Like i mentioned in a recent blog, his or my communications skills aren't "up to speed". I just want him to try. I want him to treat me like a friend, friends share things with each other and i want him to open up with me about his feelings and it can be anything he'd like. I just don't think he understands. PLEASE JASON OPEN UP TO ME!

Smile and how it relates to Depression

My first post:
This is our song(Uncle Kracker-Smile). I think the song makes a good point about people especially like Sabrina. Sabrina suffers from depression and its hard for her to smile and stay positive in life. Even when she is with me, she is still depressed. According to the uplift program website, statistics say it will be the 2nd leading cause of death by 2020. It Also affected 9.5%(18.8 million) Americans. This is a another interesting statistic, 41% of women are too embarrassed to get help. Depression is a tough disease if you will to fight if not treated correctly. I think it would only make our relationship stronger if she gets it treated and I would support her no matter what she does. My main point of what I am trying to say is, most people should stay positive in life and live everyday as if you were last and not think about the end of our time. Do the things that they like doing no matter what.

Deadly in love with Jason

can you possibly find true love in less than a month? It's so possible, like my idol Khloe Kardashian did, but she actually married the guy; so i guess that is slightly a different concept lol. My mind is over occupied thinking about Jason. When i'm not with him, like at this moment all i can think about is being with him. There's no other feeling like love.

Autism

What's autism? a pervasive developmental disorder of children, characterized by impaired communication, excessive rigidity, and emotional detachment. (Source: Dictionary.com)

Jason has autism this is a disorder that I'm trying to get comfortable with. Even before we met in person he told me he has autism so I was aware of what his situation is. I've had my own experience with autistic people on all different spectrum's. Jason's autism isn't that severe or hardly noticeable, like some. He is a bit rigidity, but not "excessive", more so trembling than rigid.

We both have communication problems, that's why I think our relationship isn't so affectionate or developing because we lack in the communicative area. Together I think we can work together and figure this out.

I do love Jason for who he is, but people such as my sister or his friend *roll eyes* Corey seem to think I don't. People have to be in my position to understand, they're not dating Jason so they don't know. Yes, his friend knew Jason longer than I have, but his friend isn't dating him; so that sort of pisses me off when people are in my personal/dating life and think they can read my fucking brain. If i didn't love Jason for who he was I would be dating him, and definitely wouldn't do anything sexual with him. As Jason said, "We've only been together for about 3 weeks", so of course we still need time to grow. Jason doesn't like when I'm depressed ( i don't either) or he doesn't like that i have hardly any "hobbies/interests" but i know that doesn't mean he don't accept me for who I am. We both need improvements in ourselves, there's nothing wrong with change, and we both need change. The only two major things i want Jason to change is his clothing and his eating habits. When Jason consumes too much sugar (pop) he beings to act more hyper. All i want him to do is lay off the pop. He's making this so difficult. I want to help him, and i want him to help me.

Jason, I love you

I'm crazy :(

Last night over at Jason's I became really depressed. I'm sure it's because i didn't take my anti-depressants yesterday, and that was a withdraw effect. So i started talking about death and other things, then he said, "I can't be with you if your going to behave like this" something along the lines of that. I wasn't expecting that comment from him. I felt like a complete fool because I'm always ruining things. When something good comes along in my life, like Jason, i just have to do something to turn our relationship off or fuck it up. Anyway, he made me feel better though :)

I just wish i wasn't so crazy

Meeting Jason's Dad

I met Jason's dad yesterday. This is exactly how it went.

Jason opens the door....
Jason: Hey dad this is sabrina, my girlfriend

Jason's dad in surprise: oh hi, how are you

(Jason didn't warn his dad or anything that i was coming in to meet him.)

Me: I'm fine/great/good (whatever i said lol). how are you?

Jason's Dad: I'm okay

(Awkward 3 second silence)
Jason goes upstairs unexpectedly. He didn't say, "sabrina i'm going upstairs i'll be right back" or something along the lines, he just left me there with his dad and i'm like WTF (in my mind of course)......

So his dad asked me again: how are you?

and i said, "i'm fine how are you?" AGAIN!

So then i went upstairs with Jason, then we left to go out for the night. (read the blog entry below to hear about our night out).

Meeting his dad was like a 3 minute thing or less, I probably made it seem like a long time the way i described it in this entry lol.

Friday Night Outing

So yesterday Jason and i went out. We went to the mall and out for dinner, not what we usually do. We were going to go bowling, but the lanes were filled so we went back to his house after dinner.

At the mall we mostly browsed stores, it was fun because i hardly do anything on Fridays. I felt like i was out with a friend to be honest, there was no physical affection between us in public. I'm not so affectionate, and i wait on Jason to kiss me or hold my hand. All the couples I saw yesterday were so affectionate with one another and we weren't, i felt kind of depressed about that.

At dinner, it was a nice family restaurant. I've never been there before. We ate breakfast for dinner. I had caramel and banana pancakes (my fave), saugage, and eggs. Jason had, bacon, waffles, and hash-browns. It wasn't too crowded, and it was nice. I felt like i was at home :) I love the way Jason eats, it's so cute; kind of like a baby.

Problems in our relationship

We've been together for about a week, I think. Him and i agree that we have been moving too fast. I don't know how to slow things down. I am going on vacation next week that will give me time away from him, although i don't want time away, but at least it will help me think about our relationship and slow it down.

Top ten things I love about Jason

1. He's a great listener
2. I can trust him
3. He really smart
4. He understands me
5. He makes me happy
6. He likes to have fun
7. He's not fake
8. He loves me for who i am
9. He not judgmental
10. He has a very sexy body

One of our fave songs

Introduction

Like most people these days, we met on a online dating site. Specifically, okcupid.com is where I met Jason. He's Caucasian and I'm Black. We're both in our early 20's. I wasn't expecting to be his girlfriend after reading his profile and sending him messages. However, speaking with him on instant messenger I discovered that we have many common interests and similar backgrounds. I gave him my number, and we talked for hours about random things, but we learned more about each other. Following our conversation on the phone that night, I began to develop feelings for him and I'm 100% sure he did also.